Identity

My reminder of my identity in this world;

Mom: Scared. I worry endlessly. I put away the endless worry and put on a front of confident and capable.  I give advice, from a place of vulnerable understanding.  And I worry in the same breath that I have never really known…still don’t know what my kids are facing.  I am just giving them my best guess, paired with a little time that serves as knowledge. I want to inspire my girls and cannot bear the weight of the madness at the same time. This life they face is different. They cannot see me break. They cannot see me cry at the smallest joy or challenge. I should not feel so much, it isn’t good to FEEL all the things. Teach them to be strong women while at the same time absorbing every emotion and giving it a name and space that makes sense. Organized and controlled, all while feeling every ounce of ALL the feeling that everyone has, this is actually chaos. Direct them. Help them navigate, with discernment and wisdom, but be in control of your emotions. Don’t fall apart. Do not fall apart. You are falling apart. Stop it. Also, show them how to feel deeply. Show them that every little moment they are experiencing matters. Be strong. Be vulnerable. Be wise. Tell them you don’t know any of the answers. And then tell them all the answers. You are torn apart, show them you. Be okay.  And tell them how to not be you too…show them how to not be okay. Be a little like you….but the good parts. “They” say you’ll miss this. Trust them. I already know these words are true. I already miss this. And I am already relieved when this burden, as Mom, isn’t so big. I am weary.

Wife: Love hard, even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard. Be sweet. Ask questions like “tell me more.”  Give him the safest place to land. Be brave enough to tell him who you are and what you need. Hear what he needs. Bend and break. Breaking isn’t giving up yourself, it is reinventing a new, better you. Trust his love. He doesn’t look at everyone that way, actually, let’s be honest, exactly zero people besides you. Lean in when he engages. Don’t ask him to engage when he needs privacy, you do not understand his battle. He cannot fix you, do not allow this to be his mission. He also cannot fix himself unless you give him room to not be okay. Let him not be okay without any consequences or added fear. He is terrified of letting you down. Remind him that you cannot be scared away.  Tell him your thoughts, fears and raw emotions…he won’t ask, tell him anyway. He will listen. Listen to his answers before you prepare your next response. Don’t be a product of past generations that defined a “good” wife. They are mostly miserable. Do not iron his pants unless you truly have time, he has time too. Plus, who even irons anymore? When he looks at you and says he loves you, trust that he means it. When he looks at you and says he wants to leave, trust that he means that too.  Tell him your boundaries, hopes, dreams and desires, especially the desires in the bedroom. He will LOVE to hear them. Trust that he sees you differently than you see yourself. He doesn’t care about your imperfect body and he would like nothing more than for you to not care either and show it to him proudly.  Remind yourself often that all of you is all he wants. Stop over thinking everything. He is really not over thinking anything. He is simple and loves you, lean in, with your whole self. Also, remind him of who you are. Trust he will respect what you tell him, he deserves your trust. That is all he wants….more than being the one to fix the sink. He wants you to trust him that he will fix the sink and all the things. Dang, that is hard. On us both. Still, lean in. When it’s hard, still say “tell me more.” Then still listen.

Friend: I used to want to hang out all the time. I used to like people. I don’t know now, just being honest. Now, I want to trust that you and I will be able to pick up where we left off, no matter if it is one week, one month or one year. I didn’t mean to neglect you. I don’t want to tell you that I don’t have time. You and I both know this is a matter of priorities and not time. But, still, time matters and I don’t want to miss a thing. A soccer game or gymnastics meet doesn’t matter, but it does. Even just one. I guess I am banking on that you will be there forever, even in my blank spaces. Thank you for letting me trust you in that way. I see our later days, we will be doing all the things, in Mexico without kids, playing cards after dinner, and golf…if I ever find my way onto the greens. Even if I don’t ever like golf, or the ladies in our old lady’s club, or brunch. We will certainly brunch.  Today I can’t, and I am sorry, truly. I see you. I love you and I am always here. I will come when you need me. I will show up in the magnificent, no matter if it’s good or bad, but those spaces in between we just have to either settle up on now and move on or know that I am still thinking of you and you mean the world even though we aren’t having a lot of time together. Time, the stealer of us. But we are trading it for now and giving it to our kids. I did that earlier, younger, than most of you.  Someday we will settle up. I know that you understand that now. For sure we will settle up. Forever is on our side. You are forever-ly important to me.

Those Ones, The Perfect Doers of Dishes, Laundry and all of the Home Stuff: You are precious to me. I used to compare my worth to your perfection, but I am okay with “me” now. Whatever, Man. I cannot do all the things.  My mother-in-law has the tidiest, most perfect, house I have ever known. And I will never be her. She is amazing in her own right. But today, I have settled up.  I am good at other things. I got a bigger sink for a reason. I had to swallow a slice of humble pie. You, Mamas do home better than I do. I will eat up your dish of humble with appreciation. It has taken me a while and,  I am learning to love your doses of humility. Thank you for being familiar and Home-ey, Homey. I LOVE spending time in your home. And also, I give myself grace that this will never be my home.

Spotify Home Button: You equal parts frighten me and satisfy me. Please never stop guessing about me. You don’t even know. I know what this looks like, sweet and inspired acoustic living. But, in our buried moments of truth, you remind me that you have been paying attention. A sneaked in Usher or 2Pac playlist reminds me of your undying invasive algorithms that I am a slave to. I am mad, but not that mad. Please don’t share THOSE playlists with the parents of my daughter’s friends. I am fairly certain that I am only one of two neighborhood mamas with a “90’s Baby Makers” playlist.  (Other Neighborhood HOOD Lovin’ Mama, I love you so. You know you are my people.) Also, can we automatically share these kinds of playlists with my daughters? I think it is crucially important to their development. Because who could ever live without a healthy dose of Usher, Janet Jackson and Jodeci, Honestly?

Professional World: This isn’t for you. Some of you really know me, the rest of you do not. Move on from who you think I should be. This blog is not meant for you if you don’t want to go deep together. I sell houses, I have sold lots of houses. I do my job well. But that is not my life’s calling. Today I listened to a podcast and it reminded me that what you are good at is not necessarily what you “should be doing.” So. I love real estate. Trust me, I have a real estate obsession. However, I have a personal life, and I welcome you into pieces of me if you want to come. Take it or leave it. We probably have different goals, professionally and personally. I have already sold a few hundred houses in one year. That was “fun.” Now I work with PEOPLE as an extension of my life. I love people, this is where my heart lands. Come one, come all, but this space, this blog, is mine, outside of my “job”. I encourage you to be vulnerable, however it works for you. Evolve, grow, glean the goodness, and do you.

Child Of God: if I am Yours. Whom shall I fear? That’s all. Onto goodness. I need God’s grace, and am patinaed, worn and weathered, and still gracefully His. You are too. May this be a space of truth and curiosity. Tell me more. Tell me about you, about your identity. I am listening.

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